As a lapsed Catholic, I still put a lot of stock in the mystical powers of water based communion. Also, I am very fond of sitting down and struggle in the shower because there’s no good surface to rest a Kir Royale. I prefer the bath. If I were to be offered the Marquisdom of any UK spa town, I would choose Bath. And I would sit in one all day long, making my subjects fetch me Marmite on toast, and premium gin and tonics, and brand new copies of Viz. And I would pass a law forbidding Nicholas Cage from scowling at people in Waitrose. Nic, I know for a fact that no-one is ever rude to anyone in Hollywood, so you needn’t come to the South West and think you can get away with it.
As a child, I read a book called Lucie Clayton’s World Of Modelling, and it blew my mind. Lucie Clayton was an etiquette doyenne who trained girls up to be models around the time that Twiggy was invented. No, not the Royal Family one, the one who now does moody sexy staring at handbags with Erin O’Connor.
Anyway, Lucie Clayton’s advice to future models was this. Avoid oranges, because they are full of sugar. Butter is better for you, because it has no sugar. (I practise her philosophy to this day.) Sleeping with photographers is not a good way to get jobs – that one doesn’t just apply to models either. I suspect that’s why Jessops had so many problems. But most impressively at all, she applauded a model who always had a bath each morning, no matter how late it made her. “She might get fired, but she’d go clean.”
In the midst of a really dreadful recession, turning up late for work whistling and grinning “I had a bath!” will get your pay docked, get your birthday forgotten and ensure that no-one ever makes you a cup of tea again. So I have some bath and bath effect products – each delivering the sort of scented luxury that will soften your skin, make you smell all spendy and ensure you’ll be leaping from your bed to your shower each morning, getting you into work early and upping your chances of landing the Sanderson account.
Penhaligon’s Artemisia Hand and body Cream and Shower Gel
Artemisia Hand and Body Cream, £28 for 150ml, http://www.penhaligons.com/
This is the scent of an empty, sandy beach, first thing on a hot may morning. It will make you hear birds coo. You’ll shut your eyes and picture camellias lilting in the breeze – and it makes your skin petal soft. It’s subtle, grown up femininity for fans of a sophisticated floral. If you end up using this in the morning, there’s a good chance you’ll end up buying a load of nude chiffon frocks on your lunch break.
Molton Brown Patchouli Bath And Shower Gel and Body Lotion
Molton Brown Patchouli and Saffron Collection, from £18, http://www.moltonbrown.co.uk/
It’s the scent of revolution – very seventies, but very sexy. Think Halston Heritige, not Alistair Darling’s beard and the Notting Hill Riots. In the shower, peppery finish will wake you up and energise you for a day of sticking it to the man. But in the bath, the smoky sweetness mysteriously emerges and envelops you – perfect for when you’ve just got home and feel too worn out to remove your kohl. And the moisturiser smooths your skin so effectively that if you do get caught by the authorities during a protest or demonstration, you can side out of a policeman’s grasp with the greatest of ease.
Woods of Windsor Bergamot and Neroli Bath and Shower Gel and Moisturiser
Woods of Windsor Bergamot and Neroli Moisturising Bath and Shower gel, £8.50 for 350ml, www.woodsofwindsor.co.uk
If you really need to kick ass in the work place, once you’ve polished your Filofax and attached two extra pairs of shoulder pads to your epically lapelled jacket, you need to shower with this. It smells headily fresh – and if that’s a contradiction, it is. The bergamot will make you feel like Katniss Everdeen running through the forest, and the Neroli will turn you into Liza Taylor playing Cleopatra. The combination will disarm and confound people, which is always handy when you have to deliver a PowerPoint presentation to the Board.
Elemis Quiet Mind Relaxing Bath Elixir
Elemis Quiet Mind Relaxing Bath Elixir, £21 for 350ml, department stores nationwide
It’s 8pm on Monday. You’ve just crawled home, and your head is buzzing. You’ve been emailing so hard that you’ve had pins and needles in your right hand for the past two hours. All you want is to inhale an enormous glass of Cabernet Sauvignon, and manage to stay awake until Made In Chelsea comes on. But you’d promised yourself you’d try and stay off the booze, at least ’til Wednesday. Quiet Mind is BETTER than booze. Woody botanicals are a powerful aromatherapist’s tool, and this is the best way to clear your mind and ease the pressures of the day as gently as possible. It’s not called a Spa at Home product for nothing.
Cath Collins Orange Flower Bath Elixir
Cath Collins Orange Flower Bath Elixir, £29.95 for 150ml. www.cathcollins.com
In Sophie Dahl’s novel Playing With The Grown Ups, beautiful, troubled Marina bathes in orange blossom oil “because a witch told her it made men crazy”. All thoughts of mental health issues and heteronormativity aside, who wouldn’t want that power? This is a product that reminds me why I love to bathe – sure, it functions brilliantly in the bath and moisturises your skin. But to bathe properly is to practise magic, and observe a scared ritual, and this dizzyingly sensual fragrance has bewitching, intoxicating powers.
